08/25/2024
This week has been an eventful one. I submitted the first batch of my applications on Wednesday, and I'm working on my supplemental applications now. There is so much to do!
On top of that, school is starting again soon so I moved into my new dorm for the year. I really love my dorm this year, and wanted to share a few snippets of it ^^ I'm trying to be mindful and make the best out of this apartment, because I'll only have it for the next nine months. Once I graduate, I'll have to move out, and I don't think my next place will be this nice ToT
This semester, I'm taking two of the hardest courses in my major, Genetics and Microbiology, alongside Physics II. I'm also starting undergraduate research this year, which I am very excited about, though it is also a large time commitment. #supernervous! But I know with discipline, good time management, and consistency, I can do it. A goal of mine is to talk to my professors a lot this semester, too. Ask questions, attend office hours, etc.
I'm especially nervous for Genetics, because all of my friends have already taken it so I'm taking it alone :,D I'm very shy and afraid of what others think of me, but I will try to interact with the professor + other students in class even with that anxiety. I will be more successful if I do.
Getting out of my comfort zone is so hard. But a lotus only grows in mud β§βΛ πͺ· . π
08/20/2024
I feel so tired today; I fell back asleep twice, and my energy feels so depleted. But life must go on. I will continue working on my applications ^o^
I've been listening to a lot of Adrienne Lenker lately. Something about her music puts my mind at ease βͺ *
Update: I have a cold & spent my night learning "Anything" by Lenker.
08/17/2024
I've been hard at work this week. I slacked off a bit at the start, which made me feel like guilty. But, I started picking it back up towards the end. This week, my mind was filled up with working on my personal statement and wanting to improve my physical health. I've also been consistently taking iron + vitamin D supplements, and I think ? I feel it kicking!
- Side note: I've realized lately that I've been raw dogging the last few years of school while being anemic. It had me thinking... how much more could I fulfill my potential if my body was healthier? So, I'm hoping that taking my supplements will improve my performance in school, fitness, etc.
I didn't realize how stressed I had been with my graduate school application. I've just been feeling so overwhelmed, from feeling like I had so much time to barely having enough time now. I really should practice writing more too; I've learned lately that I am extremely rusty at it.
Anyways, this week ended off on a good note. Star and I hit the gym twice, and I'm hoping to go a few more times this week before school starts. Yesterday, we woke up around 8AM and went straight to the gym, got breakfast at a nearby spot, and then went to a cafe to work on our applications. We stayed there for maybe four hours, and I got a lot done. I also learned how to organize Google Documents more beautifully through Star, which made writing so much easier.
Today, my family went out for dim sum to catch up before my cousins and I went back to college. It was a lot of fun, being in the car with all the cousins, eating, getting boba, and grocery shopping after. I got this cute photo at the grocery store, on γ _γ 's digital camera:
School starts next week, I feel ready to take it on! I really need to submit my graduate school application this week, too. I'm feeling extremely nervous, but also ready! I've worked so hard for this moment, and I have faith in the plan that the Universe has for me. My mind's in a jumble right now, so this entry is a bit all over the place. I just wanted to talk about my week + the one thing that's been on my mind: applying to programs.
08/03/2024
Today was my first day home, after coming back from school last night. It was an eight hour trip, and my mom and I spent the entire time talking nonstop. Our relationship has grown so much, it makes me really happy. We brought back a lot of bakery goods for my family, and everyone loved it a lot, which also made me very happy.
Today was a good first-day-back. Star came over and we caught up a bit before he gave me some birthday presents. He absolutely spoiled me, and I've been obsessed with what he's gotten me.
I'm really excited to use the cow plushie; it's actually a heatable plush, and the gel pack being in the shape of a heart is so freaking adorable. It almost makes me excited to have cramps on my period (Β΄βο½) (I'm going to regret saying that).
I've also really been wanting to collect figures as a hobby, but I can never bring myself to spend so much on what essentially feels like a toy. Star getting me this Miku figure meant a lot to me, and the thought he put into choosing it just fills my heart. My first figure being ι«ε±±ζ΅ζ°΄ Miku is incredibly special to me; I feel so seen and loved.
I've also just been wanting a new cup to have on my desk while I study, so I'm really excited to use the cup he got me. It's so perfect: Totoro and strawberries !!
After opening gifts, we went to a cafe downtown and worked on our graduate school applications together. I'm really grateful to be in a relationship where we're both advancing our careers together, going on study dates, and just making this process seem fun among all the stress.
We had a light dinner at a small sushi restaurant, and it was delicious. And then we went on our actual date, which was watching the new Deadpool & Wolverine movie. As expected, it was amazing and hilarious, I think I spent 90% of the movie laughing, and also wondering how they come up with those lines.
It was a really good day. I'm really happy, and really grateful for experiences like these ones β.(*Β΄β‘`*)β.
7/18/2024
I always dread going to lab, especially because I've been so socially anxious these days for whatever reason. But today when I showed up, one of my labmates, _γ _ introduced me to her mom and told her about how nice I was, which sounds conceited writing it but it made me happy in the moment. And even though we didn't speak the same languages, I somehow still had a lot of fun talking to her mom. She talked to me a bit in Chinese, and I talked to her in Korean, and it was really exciting overall. I've noticed that I'd been enjoying lab a lot more since _γ _ joined; she's always so funny and bubbly, and it's nice being able to just laugh and have fun during times of stress (and the lab is very stressful T__T).
I also worked with someone new today, and we had some really good conversations while our reaction was refluxing (for a tedious three hours). She's one of the sweetest people I've met at this school, but that wasn't something I felt like I could just say. I'd barely known her for three hours (..βα΄β..)! But I heard those same words come out of her mouth, as she told me that she wished there were more people like me here, and how refreshing it was to meet someone like this. I think I literally beamed from the compliment.
I just really love meeting people and feeling good energy from them, and it made me so happy knowing others can feel that way about me too. It meant a lot to me, especially with how hard I've been on myself lately about everything ever. I've also been trying really hard to just be myself when I talk to people, instead of putting up an extroverted front. Even though I still have painfully awkward interactions, I'm happy knowing that people feel positively about me just being me, too (βΈβΈβΈ- α΄ -βΈβΈβΈ ;).
7/8/2024
Hello world, I am now twenty! I think with every birthday that comes, I expect to feel some huge revelation about this new age upon me.
At this point, I know it's not the day, but the year that comes after that changes you. Even so, I still feel like entering your twenties is a milestone that deserves to be written about.
It's so surreal knowing that where I stand now will be a completely different life at the end of this decade. Here are some major goals I have along the way, along with where I am now with them.
- Learn to love & take care of my body.
This goes towards both body image and health overall. Although I've long recovered from you-can-probably-guess-what, I still tend to ebb between feeling "normal" and wanting to drastically lose weight. I don't want to waste another decade hating myself when I have the choice to love instead.
I'd also like to develop healthy habits, and be the kind of person that does drink eight cups of water a day, gets enough exercise, enough sleep, and put more effort into taking care of myself. - Put more effort into the way I live / Live life mindfully.
At a recent therapy session, I was finally able to put this feeling into words: "I feel like everyone's able have such complex and passionate feelings about so many things, but I don't think I've ever cared enough to think about anything that deeply". One thing I struggle a lot with is feeling connections. I constantly feel so disconnected to everything, everywhere, all of the time. But I *want* life to be meaningful.
I watched this video a while ago, and I've thought about it often ever since. Although it's different from the point he makes, what I took away from that video was that you have to create your experiences, rather than just live them. You have to put more effort into the way you live if you want to make life meaningful. I think a part of me started this blog with that idea in the back of my mind.
I'd also like to put more effort into my relationships with others. This has been something I've always tried to do, but I always feel like I fall short of being a good girlfriend, daughter, sister, friend, etc. I think part of it has to do with my disconnection towards myself; I'm hoping that once I put effort into my relationship with myself, I can do so better with others too. I want those around me to know that I love and care for them. - Learn to process my emotions in a healthier way.
I'm terrible at processing negative emotions. I am the mirror image of γ when I'm upset. But I also see a part of γ in myself daily, too. (How ironic, γ _γ messaged me about the same thing as I was writing this.)
I can keep blaming the environment I grew up in and accept that this is how I am and will always be. Or, I can learn new ways to respond to unfavorable situations, and build these healthy habits until they become a part of me. And luckily for me, along with the rest of the human race, neuroplasticity continues throughout your entire life. I don't ever want to hear, or admit, that it's too late for someone to change. - Develop my social skills
I don't really know what to say about this one. I've been incredibly shy my entire life, yet way too comfortable depending on the people I'm around. I was insanely social during my first year of college, and people would even describe me as extroverted. Looking back, I think it may have just been an act I put on in an attempt to "fake it 'till you make it". It didn't work (lol). I feel as if I have crawled back into my shell, but with slightly more awareness as to how I behave socially. But even with this "awareness", I still find it hard to make small talk with people, let alone have an entire conversation. I'm always the person to end the conversation firstβnot because I want to, but because I just don't know what to say next.
And on top of that, I've recently learned that I don't know how to banter either. And I'm sure many people don't, but the crowd I've been around do know how to. And all I can do is just smile and laugh in reply. Like,I can barely come up with a conversational reply, and now I have to learn how to come up with something witty too? Somebody sedate me..
I don't really know where I'm going with this one. In short, I'm so painfully awkward and I'd like to be at least decent at having conversations with people.
I didn't plan to write that much, but it was a nice introspection into how I've been lately. Now, onto my less abstract-but-just-as-important goals for my twenties!
- Graduate from university
- Get into graduate school
- Start my career
- Move out and buy my first couch
- Develop my fashion style
- Make lots of art & learn how to sew clothes
- Make long-lasting friendships
- Be more organized!
I'm sure there's still a lot I want to say, I just don't know what right now. I think I focused a lot on my shortcomings though, so I'll end this entry with some positivtiy from my friends ~~ Yay, twenty!
